You don't yet know it but that title is genius.
This morning, unsurprisingly, I awoke at about half 3. With the intention of waking at 6 to get to the mausoleum to see Ho Chi Minh's body and beat the crowds. Got up, shower, breakfast, grab a map, out. All going to plan. Start walking along the roads I'd become familiar with. Reach a really confusing junction where 7 roads join "controlled" by two police, with a nation of people, who don't know what the police are there for or what road rules are, trying to navigate it. And me trying to cross it. The result... Hello hostel! I'd just done a half hour loop! This ate into my plan considerably. I finally got to the mausoleum and tried entering the complex via yesterday's route but was stopped by a policeman who pointed me further up the road. So I carried on round the perimeter and tried again. Same thing. So I continued walking and found another policeman at an official entrance, walked up to him and said, pointing at the map, "mausoleum". He saluted me but didn't answer. I wasn't sure what to do and stood for a bit but soon realised he was in fact saluting his senior officer behind me as he went through the gate and I'd got right in the way. Oops. I left quickly. Fourth policeman did the same thing as the first two and I was beginning to feel there was some sort of prejudice going on. Rounded yet another corner of the perimeter and there in front of me was the longest queue you've ever seen. 5 o'clock in the morning wouldn't have beaten this queue. I walked and walked and still couldn't see the end. Finally though it appeared and I jumped on the back. There was no chance I was going to get this done and pack and checkout by 11. I stuck with it just to see how far I'd get. The queue moved slowly along its route, through postcodes, through time zones, through security and baggage check. I knew I'd walked far but surely not back to the airport. My water got confiscated. My thoughts were confirmed. But then out the other side and we were in the complex. This is good. I might make it. The mausoleum was in sight (the big square building with columns from yesterday) with guards in white uniform everywhere. We queued outside that and the guards in white were doing a shift change. 3 guards turned up, one got swapped, and then 3 walked away. I say walked. It was more of a casual march prompting me to hum the 7 dwarves tune 'hi ho, hi ho' in my head in time to their marching. I hope I didn't do it out loud. Even talking in the queue wasn't allowed. The queue snaked into the building following a defined route with a steady flow but I couldn't see people exiting. That was worrying. I genuinely had a fleeting thought. 'What if this was all a rouse and this was their answer to population control. And in fact the mausoleum was one big furnace. It would explain them not letting me in earlier.' OK just stop thinking you idiot! As we approached the building I was "hey'd" at to remove my hat which I was going to remove anyway and we went through the entrance. We flowed slowly up two flights of stairs, there was marble everywhere, it must have taken ages to build this, and into a dimly lit room still with white guards everywhere watching our every move. Pictures are prohibited and you can't stand still. In the middle of the room is the glass sarcophagus with Ho Chi Minh's body inside looking remarkably peaceful. He is laying under a cover with just his upper body and arms out. His hands rest on his thighs. The sarcophagus has curtains which are tied back at the corners to display Ho Chi Minh. He is totally white but lit by two dim orange spotlights from above. One at his head and one at his waist. Our route takes us round his right side, then his feet, then his left side and out. Constantly walking. We're about 3 or 4 metres from him. Then we leave the room and go back down different stairs and out the building. That's it. I check my watch. I can't believe it. That whole process took just 1 hour! Impossible. I felt surprisingly privileged. Although with things like this the whole thing could genuinely be a lie and that body was in fact wax. It's hard to just trust what you're being told but that privileged feeling still remained.
Back to the hostel quick rest and pack. Put my bags in the storage room and checked out. I headed over to the bike place to get my route marked out on a map and get final bits sorted ready for my 2 o'clock departure. I have to wait for a bag of washing to be returned by 2 before I can leave. I grab lunch. Singapore noodles. So tasty. Every mouthful. Different to the flavour at home, I think better overall. Back to the hostel at 1.45. No washing. I sit for a bit till 2. No washing. I walk one bag over to the bike place and back. Half 2. No washing. Seriously? Its been 24 hours. I ask. They tell me it's not there. I know that. I ask if they can find out where it is. They say 5 minutes I check for you. 10 mins later they come back with washing. Mines not there. Brilliant. Another 10 mins and it appears. One bag got dropped on the way down. Of course it's my bag. I get you new bag, it split. 15 mins no bag. I'm ready to hit someone but remain calm. Finally a bag arrives. Second rucksack retrieved and I'm off.
Get to the motorbike place and one bike they previously sold had literally just that second started leaking a tiny amount of fuel from the tank so that had to be dealt with first. My final items packed, rucksack attached to bike, me dressed for Armageddon, and final money paid I'm ready to leave. It's 4 o'clock. Just a tad late then. Oh and it's very lightly drizzling. My first destination is a petrol station. I leave the bike place. I wobble to the left a bit, then to the right. Come on you're an experienced biker WTF. I've got more speed, I'm away. Woohoo! End of the road. Damn it. Navigate myself to the motorway and am completely lost with the junction so I stop and assess it for a bit. Ok I think I've got it lets do it. I make it to the petrol station. Fuel in I'm on my way. Heading on the route I've been told I concentrate purely on keeping a steady pace and a steady line. Let them avoid me. To the Vietnamese the world behind them doesn't exist. That includes walking as well as pushing bikes into the road to start them. The horn is used constantly to let others know of their presence. I think I'll give this a go. So I start randomly tooting. This is fun. Its up to the person behind to avoid the person in front. A long toot means you're in the way. This is going OK. A taxi pulls out from the side and doesn't really stop he's in front so we have to give way or avoid. I scrape his bumper really slightly. Bollocks I'm not stopping. No repercussions. I find my land marks and get onto the other motorway where I need to cross the river. All bikes are going one junction cars another. I'll follow the bikes. We end up however on a smaller lane underneath the main motorway bridge which on the other side of the river splits off. I'm unaware of all this until I check google maps when I realise the road I'm on has become somewhat less motorway like. I've gone the wrong way so turn around to get back on track. And now my phone battery is running low too. I'm heading back when suddenly I hit a giant mound of cement the same colour as the road, think camouflage speed bump, and I'm pretty sure I'm momentarily airborne but the bike gets knocked to shit and now there's a regular clattering sound coming from the left hand side. I get off and the chain is ridiculously loose. About 4 inches of slack! Great. So I call my 24 hour hotline and Liam the bike shop owner gives me two options. I either find a mechanic near where I am to get it looked at and travel a bit further tonight if it's fixed but nothing like what I'd intended and then stop at a hotel. Or, as I'm only 40 mins outside Hanoi I can head back to the shop, get it fixed for free and leave early tomorrow. I choose this option. I know Hanoi now so feel a bit better staying there and in a way it's become my temporary home. So begins my journey back, with a dodgy bike.
Leaving Hanoi it slowly got quieter and easier. But now was the reverse. Think space invaders with increasing levels of difficulty. First the motorway, lanes don't exist but everyone traveling in the same direction. Beep. Up a level. Junctions are added. Other vehicles crossing your path. Beep. Up a level. People coming towards you tooting and flashing. Beep. Up a level. Pedestrians released. Junction lights don't mean anything. Light fading. Fires at the side of the road. Beep. Up a level. Try and find your junction with all this going on, the chain still clattering and navigate off it to the bike shop. Ding ding ding ding. New high score. I did it. I bloody did it. And I'm sorry to say I loved every minute of it. It was life affirmingly awesome. So I'm a day late leaving. Who cares. Tonight was a lesson. There were enough hints telling me not to go so I took them. The chain got tightened and now I'm ready to go at the crack of dawn. Wow. What a feeling :)
Found a hotel. $5 a night perfect. Room stinks of damp. The glass is loose in the plastic frame but it's in the 9th floor and I have a view. For one night I'll survive. Dinner, beer, bed.
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